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Celebrating Failures

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Yesterday was such a long day at work. My team has been working on preparing for a major survey set to launch next week. After work, I planned to work a little bit on my garden. The chili seedlings need to be moved into bigger pots as they already grow big. I was just stretching myself and then ready for gardening when an email came. It was from the Ireland Scholarship. I haven’t opened it yet, but tears welled up. I was kind of shocked because the announcement came a month earlier, and my emotional state was not ready yet. Also, because I realize my chance is slim. I have failed. Again. This is my 16th attempt since I started pursuing scholarship opportunities in 2018, and might be the last one. Looking back at my relentless efforts over the past six years, I have been contemplating a lot recently. Should I try again? Or stop and move on? Deep inside, I still want to try, but… not sure. Each application demands much energy, time, and money. It was draining, indeed, especially when the
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2023: A Long Battlefield

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I was looking for some intro for this post when I read my 2022 reflection and found this sentence at the end of the post, “I hope 2023 can be more joyful, relaxed, and full of love.” I got shivered suddenly, because yes, I found love in 2023 :) A long battlefield I was about to bury my dream of pursuing a master’s program scholarship after six years of trying. I feel like I have given my best on each attempt, but the results said differently. It was a truly long and exhausting process. At some points, I was thinking that everyone should have an equal access to affordable education. We could study anything we want to study, without worrying much about the cost. After a long battlefield since 2018, I was ready to give up and think about chasing my other goals. But then, I met someone who changed my mind, someone who believed in me and my capability. And all this energy feels enough to keep me going. So, here I am, proving my resilience and trying those opportunities again, in the middle
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31

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One day on my 30th, I realized I should prepare 31 things to share and I think it is too much! LOL. So, starting this year, I will just share 20, or any number I want to. Talking about the last year, so many moments happened. Also, the emotional ones. But, I think my main reflection would be how I found love and believe in love again. Happy 31! 1. Be happy on our own. 2. Listen to our body. 3. Choose our priorities. We can’t please everyone (and we don’t need to!). 4. Groceries are getting expensive :’) 5. Be comfortable in our skin. Be bold of our true colors. 6. Just remember that text/chat has no sound/intonation. 7. Work-life balance is important for me. Then I realized, for now, a side hustle is not suitable for me. 8. Live our own life, not someone else's. 9. If it hurts, observe. If things change, let them go. 10. Surround ourselves with people who can keep their promises, even for small things. 11. Assertiveness is the new sexy. 12. At this age, I realized I sometimes overt
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I Found Me (Part 2)

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Today, I was going to revise my essay but I finished this draft instead. HAHAHA. Writing a story/experience always helps reduce my stress. Thanks, Blog! This post is the second part of the lessons I learned from my breakup journey. Part 1 can be found here: I Found Me . Lesson 5: Be vulnerable, be who we are One day, something bad happened to me, then I cried. I told my ex about it, and he was a bit surprised that I cried. "I thought you were a strong person. You are a member of Mapala (hiking club), you are supposed to be strong." Honestly, I was surprised by his response. I found it hard to explain to him at that time (that I was a sensitive type of person). Also, I admitted my communication was poor back then. I chose not to make it complicated, so I just went silent. But the implication is that I stopped showing my true feelings to him because I simply didn't want to be judged. It was an uncomfortable feeling because, in front of the person I trusted the most, I could
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I Found Me

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Five years have passed since my worst heartbreak in late 2017. Since then, I learned a lot about myself and life. I also met many people from diverse personalities and backgrounds who gave me new insights and broadened my perspectives. Through all moments that have happened, I gained one important lesson: I realized meeting him is a path I should go through to create a better me. So, here’s what I learned throughout my journey. Lesson 1: Know your values and boundaries Values and boundaries were something I didn’t pay much attention back then, especially in a relationship. The focus of the relationship was how to make him happy, even though I had to break my boundaries. One day, we ran together in the morning. After that, his friend suddenly invited my ex to an engagement party. Without even taking a shower after a sweaty run, we attended. Then we continued hanging out with his circle at the engagement party until evening. I knew I wanted to spend time as much as possible with my e
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2022: Back on Feet

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I want to begin with “2022 was a roller coaster for me” before I realize I have the same opening for the 2021 reflection post, LOL. But maybe it’s true, each year has its own roller coaster, its ups and downs, its laughs and tears. For me, the roller coaster was my skin breakout. But, despite the hard moments, I still experienced many good things in 2022 which makes me smile every time I reminisce about it. So, thanks 2022! Skin Breakout I started the year by having the worst breakout on my face, ever, and I wouldn’t lie that it brought me down at that time. My confidence level dropped drastically. It felt like it was not easy to be my own self. I googled my skin condition and tried many skincare products. Some worked, but most did not. Long story short, I visited a professional and my skin improved. The problem was when I no longer used the topical medicine from the doctor, the tiny bumps came back. I was truly confused, didn’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I was thinking tha
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Semangkuk Mi Hangat

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“What’s on your mind?” tanya gua secara random di tiga kilometer terakhir menuju basecamp . “Mmm... Capek,” jawab Arkha singkat. “What about you?” dia bertanya balik. “Indomie.” Arkha tertawa mendengar jawaban gua. Gua pun ikut tertawa. Siapa yang tidak memikirkan semangkuk mi hangat plus cabe rawit iris di tengah dinginnya gunung dengan ketinggian 3.000-an mdpl. Weekend ini, seperti weekend yang lalu-lalu, gua dan Arkha trail run ke gunung. Kami sama-sama setuju kalau tiga kilometer di gunung itu sangat berbeda dengan di kota. Kalau jalan di gunung, entah mengapa rasanya lama banget. Sampai akhirnya gua bosan dan melontarkan pertanyaan random itu pada Arkha. Sesampainya di basecamp , kami menuju satu warung tempat kami memarkir mobil. Gua sudah membayangkan nikmatnya menyantap mi hangat di cuaca dingin begini. Ditambah perut gua lagi laper banget setelah trail run 16 kilometer. Rencana gua adalah pesan mi sebelum mandi. Jadi, minya udah siap setelah gua mandi, gak perlu
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